At some point in time, Alison Coopes agency decided that instead of providing concrete listing details (such as the size, location, age, or price of a home), it would dance around the facts with verbose and grammatically incorrect writing to paint some impressionistic painting of a home’s truth. This trend continued today with a listing in Darling Point that’s presumably a house.
“Minutes to the city and miles from what you think that means,” Alison Coopes [We’ll give you this very meta phrase, Alison.]
It comes from a time when double bedroom meant the size of two bedrooms [“double bedroom” never meant that], ceilings were twice a man’s height and growing old was done gracefully [Really? You’re going to pull this shit on us?].
This updated turn of the century home has 4 double bedrooms (& 4 bthrms) [just spell it out: “And. Four. Bathrooms.” You spell everything else out for us, why stop now?], soaring decorative ceilings and grace like Kelly [Oh, similes…the low hanging fruit of rhetorical devices.]. The tiered courtyard gardens will make you dream you’re living under a Tuscan sun. A conservatory sunroom/family room makes the most of their privacy and beauty [Singular or plural? Make up your mind.].
Huge,[sic] linked living and dining rooms wear elegant French door and plasterwork ceiling accessories [This isn’t a complete sentence]. The parquetry has had a recent facelift. The carpets are brand new. The kitchen and bathrooms are obligingly (and appealingly) 2012 [Obliglingly? So you’re saying the kitchens and bathrooms were willing to do favors 2012?].
The master, with its bay window-lined sitting room and own sheltered balcony, is the size of an urban apt [C’mon. Spell it out, Alison.]. Its jewel is [a] dramatically dark chocolate, marble fireplace [So you’re saying it’s black.].
The second (huge has already been mentioned [that hasn’t stopped you before]) bedroom extends to its own courtyard-like entertaining balcony.
The attic is a vast play/media room in which the children (or teens) could be lost for hours [Thank God, those kids have none of the grace of Kelly].
The garage is double, with two lock-up doors [Is this a sign of dyslexia? What does this MEAN?].
Think urban (CBD is an 8 min drive), then think something so much better [Wait, so what am I supposed to be thinking about now? We’re so confused.].
So there you go. If you want to learn more about this property, such as its location, price, or any legitimate fact not sugar-coated in a Year 10’s creative writing, we suggest you walk the streets of Darling Point until you find that home that confuses you, being minutes to the city but miles from what you think it means.
The “listing”: Darling Point?
Three more listing photos below. Don’t inundate us or anything.
UPDATE: H/T to Radical Terrace reader GulfPic who lead us to the expired listing of this property from its 2006 sale through Ray White. That agency even supplied an address (41 Darling Point Road). It traded for $3.6m back then. Old listing photos below.